Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:icontiajones: More from tiajones


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 5, 2010
File Size
2.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
49
Favourites
1 (who?)
Comments
2
×
11/5/10

[verse one]
my hands have been tied
since i don't know when
my hands have been tied
since i don't know when
pick up the photograph
of me and you
tell me if you're staying
or if we are through
we are through
i'd like to think
that us chasing leaves
and finding dreams
meant something
meant something to you

[chorus]
my heart can't take it
i don't think my legs will make it
through this maze of cognitions
this maze of your conditions
they all sing:
"wake up boy
tell the girl just what you're thinkin'
you both set sail
but you left her all alone sinkin'"

[verse two]
my hands have been tied
since i don't know when
my hands have been tied
since i don't know when
pull out the letters
we wrote all summer long
then throw them back in the shoebox
under the bed where they belong
they don't belong
i like to daydream
that our emergency calls
and long walks
meant something lasting through fall
but i don't think it will last

[chorus]
my heart can't take it
i don't think my legs will make it
through this maze of cognitions
this maze of your conditions
they all sing:
"wake up boy
tell the girl just what you're thinkin'
you both set sail
but you left her all alone sinkin'"

you smile and you say
i'm one of your best friends
i love the sounds
but then the knife sets in
why did i think we were more?

[chorus]
my heart can't take it
i don't think my legs will make it
through this maze of cognitions
this maze of your conditions
and i'll sing:
"wake up girl
you know just what the boy is thinkin'
don't set sail
when you know you're ship is sinkin'"
some thoughts today. it has a folky tune
:iconryanblaney:
ryanblaney Featured By Owner May 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I like the premise, but as for the construction, you could have varied it a little. As opposed to labeling them verse and chorus, I'm sure the repetition would have gotten the point across. Also adding lyrical variation to the chorus can help the poem move forward as a piece and keep it from stagnating. All in all though, I like it and I think you did a good job.
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner May 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the constructive criticsm. [: not many people actually do that. yeah- this isn't one of my favorites to be completely honest. still- thank you greatly, and if i go back and decide to rewrite it or edit it- i'll definitely take what you said into consideration while making changes. [:
Reply
Add a Comment: